


LARGE HARDON COLLIDER

by forochel



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Sexual Humor, Song Lyrics, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2019-01-01 06:38:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12150816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forochel/pseuds/forochel
Summary: Being an account of the making of a university drinking song dedicated to one (1) Dr. Viktor Nikiforov(set in @alykapedia'stinder AU)





	LARGE HARDON COLLIDER

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alykapedia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alykapedia/gifts).
  * Inspired by [23\. M. Looking for a challenge.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12126972) by [alykapedia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alykapedia/pseuds/alykapedia). 



> HI ALY AS PROMISED!!! thx for always being such inspiring fun to chat with <3 
> 
> so earlier tonight I said to aly  
> "oh my god there's a campus drinking song dedicated to viktor????  
> leo totally came up with it  
> the refrain is something about third time lucky" 
> 
> & she said: YOU GOTTA WRITE IT NOW
> 
> & then instead of writing about omega!yuuri doing kegels I ... wrote a song. a drinking song.

##  **LARGE HARDON COLLIDER**

  
_Being an account of the making of a university drinking song dedicated to one (1) Dr. Viktor Nikiforov_

  


* * *

  


{ 

Leo comes up with it at post-work drinks (it’s easy to transition from work to post-work drinks when one works at a bar), after watching the winner of Hottest Faculty Member 5 times running leave inexplicably partner-less yet again.

Maybe it’s because of his hellishly difficult intro Physics class, maybe not. Guang Hong seems to like Dr Nikiforov despite the class, and Guang Hong _secretly hates everyone_. 

“I don’t get it,” Sara says, eyes following him out of the door. 

“Neither do I.” Leo doodles a bracing little mordent on a napkin and adds exclamation marks next to it. “He wins like ... in everything. _Everything._ Except the booty.” 

“And the Nobel,” Mila points out, and everyone at the bar -- customers included -- heave a collective forlorn sigh. 

“Well,” Leo says. “Third time lucky?” And then. “Oh my god, you guys!! Oh my god, oh my god.”

“What?” Sara whips towards him, eyes wide with concern.

“I’m having a stroke!” he declares. 

“ _What_?!” Mila turns around too, splashing some soda across the steel countertop. 

Leo throws his arms up in the air in excitement. “OF GENIUS!!!!” 

}

 

*

 

{chorus}

HE WINS IN ALL THE LOOKS  
HE WINS IN ALL THE BOOKS  
HE WINS IN ALL THE BOOTY _[ed. Lyric added after Dr Nikiforov got with Yuuri]_  
BUUUUUUUUT  
_[composition notes: and this is when it goes up like yodelling; strum guitar madly]_  
HE GOTTA WAIT TIL HE'S  
THI~RD TIME LUcky  
THI~RD TIME luCKY  
THI~RD TIME LU-CKY!!

 

*

 

{

Chris hears it first of course, being the unsavoury character that he is. He hears it in its earliest incarnation, and sings it at Viktor to motivate him.

“This really isn’t necessary, Chris,” Viktor says through gritted teeth.

“Oh, but spite is such a wonderful motivator, don’t you think?”

}

&

{

"Leo,” Guang Hong tells him solemnly. “He can't ever find out you wrote this."

Grinning down at his boyfriend’s wonderful, sweetly freckled face, Leo says, “Nah, he loves my vodka sours,” with the great confidence of a man who is the campus celebrity’s favourite bartender.

}

 

*

 

{first verse}

OOOOOOHHHHH ... DOCTOR NIKIFOROV  
OH DOCTOR NIKIFOROV  
WHEN HE WALKS BY  
THE GIRLS' SKIRTS FLY  
WHEN HE WALKS BY  
THE BOYS WANT TO CRY  
_whisper (because he's so beautiful)_  
HE WILL MAKE YOU BISEXUAL  
FOR A PHYSICIST HE'S QUITE ANIMAL  
THE FIRST LAW'S INERTIA  
IF YOU DON'T KNOW THAT HE MIGHT HURT YA

 

*

 

{

The rousing success of his off-the-cuff composition inspires Leo to greater heights. Leo has also not touched physics since high school, so the lyrics are entirely based off the entire campus’s collective thirst for one (1) Doctor Viktor Nikiforov, his vague memories of AP Physics, and the occasional glimpses he gets of Guang Hong's textbook.

For this sustained effort, he gets:

“Leo, that’s not how it works," and a really cute squinchy frown. 

"IT'S A SONG!!" Leo protests. “It’s ART!” 

}

 

*

 

{second verse - part i}

FORCE IS MASS AND ASS-ELERATION  
DOCTOR NIK'S GOT BOTH ‘N INTUITION  
HE'LL FUCK YOU UP AND DOWN  
LIKE NEWTON'S APPLE TO THE GROUND

 

*

 

{

Guang Hong weeps gently into his pillow.

}

 

*

 

{second verse - part ii, and bridge}

HE'S A MAN WHO'S PARTICULA-AR  
HIS ASS IS SPECTACULA-AR  
HE FOUND A SUBATOMIC THINGIE  
I'M TOLD IT'S VERY SEXY

LARGE HARDON COLLIDER _ [composition notes: sing-chant 10 times, more if audience demands] _

 

*

 

{

"HADRON," Guang Hong pelts him with cushions. "IT'S HADRON!!!"

It's one of the most popular verses of Leo’s total breakout song. Too bad it’ll have to be attributed to anon forevermore until Leo becomes the next Justin Bieber, except less white and less douchey.

}

&

{

"You can never leave the university," Chris tells Viktor solemnly. "You're like, a MASCOT. Oh my god, Viktor, I need to put you on my dance studio's door."

Viktor refuses to look up from where he’s poring over some equations. He’s no fun at all. 

"GIACOMETTI & CO DANCE STUDIO,” Chris declares, mapping out the length of the banner with his hands. “HOME OF ____ UNIVERSITY. HOME OF DR NIKIFOROV AND HIS LARGE HARDON COLLIDER.”

Without looking up, Viktor throws a pen at Chris.

}

&

{

This part’s a good part, I promise.

Yuuri's drunk on the way back to Viktor’s place, but not so drunk that he doesn’t smother laughter into Viktor’s shoulder when they pass by frat row.

One house is inevitably howling That Fucking Song.

Fast forward through the romantic tipsy piggyback ride through the nippy air, the precarious climb up the the stairs to Viktor’s walk-up unit in the subdivided townhouses let out to faculty, the resurgence of heated urgency and ungainly shedding of clothes, and we arrive at:

Yuuri sitting in Viktor’s lap, weight solidly on hard, hefty bulge of Viktor’s dick, rocking gently into it as they kiss, open-mouthed and filthy. 

The immediacy of Viktor, swelling so promisingly under him always makes Yuuri want to beg, to spread his legs and just give himself over to getting done good and hard. 

This time, though, part of Viktor’s song pops into his head, and try as he might, Yuuri can’t stop himself from giggling into their kisses. 

Viktor draws back slightly, brows furrowed but eyes soft, indulgent. "...what? Yuuri, love, what is it?"

Ignoring the tripping of his heart, the hilarity of Viktor’s innocence, Yuuri chokes out: “L-large hardon c-collider," and dissolves into giggles again, shifting the angle of his hips and bumping their erections together.

His fringe lifts a little when Viktor snorts, and then sighs. “I am failing Leo."

Yuuri's giggles dry up when he registers this, before he smacks Viktor on the arm. "He doesn't take _any_ of your classes!"

Darkly, Viktor says, "I know people," before tipping Yuuri onto his back, eyes going dark. "Now, where were we?”

}

 

*

 

{third verse - part i}

NOW GATHER 'ROUND NOW CHILDREN  
WE'RE LEARNING 'BOUT REACTIONS  
MY BRO-O NEWTON TOLD US  
ABOUT GETTING SOME ACTION

FIRST YOU GOTTA HAVE SOME FRICTION (AYYY)  
TO GO WITH THAT REALLY FINE DICTION  
AND THEN YOU NEED AN ASS  
WITH SOME REALLY SEXY MASS

 

*

{

Guang Hong, ever-supportive boyfriend that he is, texts him: _your rhymes are getting really contrived._

 _it's a PUN. a SEXY PUN._ Leo sends him back after his set.

_your face is a sexy pun. >:( _

}

&

{

In the organic way that drinking songs evolve, this is the point at which someone in the room will inevitably shout “KATSUKI!”

"I feel violated," Yuuri says after the first time he hears the new addition. 

"I'm going to kill him," Viktor declares, downing the moscow mule Leo mixed him all of 15 minutes before. So ungrateful.

}

 

*

{bridge, last verse, final chorus}

IT HELPS IF YOU HAVE A NOBEL  
IF YOU DONT -- OH WELL!  
_[composition notes: and then everyone chants large hardon collider like 10 times again]_

 _[composition notes: rit. arpeggios.]_  
Now we come to the end of the tale  
Don't worry I'm not gonna bail  
Here's an i~llu~s-tration, of  
Equal and opposite reactions -  
When Katsuki's pants go down  
Who goes to town?

HE WINS IN ALL THE LOOKS  
HE WINS IN ALL THE BOOKS  
HE WINS IN ALL THE BOOTY  
AAAAAAAAAAND NOW HE'S ...  
THI~RD TIME LUcky  
THI~RD TIME luCKY  
THI~RD TIME LU-CKY!!

 

[WILD YELLING OF “LARGE HARDON COLLIDER”]  
[WILD STRUMMING]

}

 

*

 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> yeah idk either.


End file.
